It’s Safer Than Picking Up Hitchhikers

Hideki pulled up in front of my apartment.

“You gotta help me clean this up,” he said.

I assessed the interior of his Mazda 3. The back seat and window were splattered with a dark brown residue. It looked like someone had been stricken with explosive diarrhea and decided to fire away at the rear.

“What the hell happened?”

“I met this girl at Starbucks. I bought her a Frappuccino and offered to give her a ride to the BART station. I tried to take her back to my place instead but she freaked out and chucked the Frap at the back window. It went everywhere.”

I thought of that scene in Pulp Fiction, the one where Vincent is sitting in the passenger seat and turns around to talk to Marvin and accidentally shoots him in the face and his head explodes all over the back window. Except this time Marvin’s head was filled with a delicious coffee beverage.

“Why are you turning this into my problem?” I asked.

“Come on, you know I would do the same for you.”

“No,” I said. “You wouldn’t. Because I would never let a crazy bitch into my car with a giant Frappuccino. What the hell is wrong with you?”

A Peer-to-Peer Postal passenger would never throw a sloppy drink at the back seat of your car. Nor would a P2P passenger get carsick, vomit, or request an untimely bathroom stop. That’s because P2P passengers are inanimate objects.

P2P Postal hitchhiker

I had one more question for Hideki. “So what happened to that girl?”

“I told her to get the hell out of my car. I felt bad and came back later, but she was gone. I can’t go to that Starbucks anymore. She might find me and key my car.”

You don’t have to worry about that with a P2P Postal package either.

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